[08] Letters & Reflections from a Model

I first received an email from Ms. Y about three years ago.
Since then, we have met several times a year, sometimes going six months without contacting each other.

The other day, I received a long reflection letter from her.

Needless to say, I was overjoyed. Thinking that other women facing similar struggles might find comfort and resonance in her words, I asked if I could share an excerpt with everyone, and she gladly gave her consent. I share it here in place of a regular column.

*(Certain parts have been edited with the model's consent.
※ The header image is illustrative.)*

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I was looking back at the photos from our very first shoot and realized it's almost exactly two years ago, so I decided to send an email.
Has it really been two years since then?
Lately, I've come to really enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend, and I feel like he understands my feelings much better than before.
Looking at the photos, I realized that the person who changed was me...
Remembering everything makes me blush terribly though! (*>_<*)ﾉ

I still remember how surprised I was by Masato-san's very first reply—it was so calm and normal (in a good way!).
I was amazed that someone could talk about intimate, erotic topics so calmly and naturally.
And when I confessed that my partner and I were sexless, you told me:
"Keeping that pain all to yourself for so long must be very hard."
Having you read dozens of my emails over many months made me so happy.
I could never put it into words for my boyfriend, and I couldn't confide in friends either.
Being able to put my feelings into words and have them warmly received for the first time meant the world to me.

I'm writing this while reading through those old emails, so it feels like a book report! (//∇//)
I could never say this in person—I'd die of embarrassment (lol)

The day of our first shoot. I woke up with a breakout on my face and felt absolute despair...
Thank you so much for retouching it beautifully afterward.
I still love the photos from that day. I was amazed at how my expressions transformed in just a few hours. I surprised myself by becoming bolder and bolder, and even more by how much fun I was having.
Being praised feels wonderful, and being truly looked at feels amazing.
I realized how much I craved having someone tell me I'm sexually attractive as a woman.
Though I did wonder, 'Isn't it exhausting for Masato-san to keep complimenting me non-stop while shooting?' (lol)
It was everything I had been missing while losing my confidence in a sexless relationship.
Oh, and when I gave you a look hoping you'd pat my head, and you actually did—that made me so happy!

So I gathered my courage and asked if we could also be intimate during our second shoot.
During the shoot, I kept wondering, 'When is he going to touch me?' the whole time.
Looking back at the photos, my expression gives it completely away—it's so embarrassing.
When you finally touched me, the happiness was equal to or even greater than the words from the first shoot.
Having your whole body admired, caressed, and described with lovely words feels incredible.
Complimenting every single part I lacked confidence in showed just how amazing you are as a photographer. Though having my bottom thoroughly licked was a bit shy (//∇//)
Even though it was over a year ago, I still think about it from time to time.
And having the courage to ask for oral pleasure myself for the first time was so embarrassing. You knew exactly what I wanted and kept playfully asking me. So teasing...

Do you remember asking me after loving me for so long: 'Do you want more? Is there anything you'd like me to do?'
I had never been caressed so tenderly before that I couldn't think of anything. I was just so happy, and before I knew it, I was crying and made you worry...
Looking back at what I said afterward, I really didn't understand anything back then.
I had never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do or what I wanted done to me.
When that hit me, I wondered if my boyfriend felt the same way, and I remember crying again.
I'm sorry all my emails after that became filled with those heavy topics.

In your reply, you wrote: 'Perhaps if you both gradually understand the differences in what you want from sex and slowly bridge that gap, things might get better.' I can understand that now.
Back then, I thought, 'If it were that easy, I wouldn't be struggling!' (lol)

Being photographed beautifully and praised again and again slowly gave me real confidence.
I discovered the thrill of showing my sensual side (//∇//)
I used to think masturbating or squirting in front of someone was only possible in fantasies (lol).
Being caressed like that and enjoying an entire day of passionate intimacy—learning that it's okay to say what I want. It was an eye-opener in more ways than one.
I can even make naughty jokes like this now (๑´ڡ`๑)
Talking together for hours after being intimate was always so delightful and special.
Thank you as always for making me feel so wonderful (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

And so, two years have passed.
Actually, this past Sunday, my boyfriend and I were intimate in a completely natural way!
I was so thrilled that I wanted to share the good news, and while looking back at past memories and photos, it turned into this huge essay (lol).
It took me two full days to write. I even worked on it during lunch break in the break room.
Reading old emails brought back so many memories that I got all flustered and wet!
I'm still full of desires, and if I don't initiate he rarely makes a move, which still makes me want to cry when turned down, but this is a big step forward.
I hope we can shoot together again soon. And intimate times too, of course (//∇//)

From Y